doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
