U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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