1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
