Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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