I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think my moral compass just broke
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