I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
