I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
