i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
