Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
