the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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