Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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