Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
