i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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