Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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