I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
