Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
