he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
