Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
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