my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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