Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
