I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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