I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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