she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm really busy with my period
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