he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
