I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
there's paper in my vomit.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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