it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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