Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
