So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
