Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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