I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
