I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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