fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
