i wish my penis had a tongue
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
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