genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
