you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
