My Higher Power is John Stamos
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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