he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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