You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.