so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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