I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on