I got chris browned last night
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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