My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
