I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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