are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And then my night got REAL pukey
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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