it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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