If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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