Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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