were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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