My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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