6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
