Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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