Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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