you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
