I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
