I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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