im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
