the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
