Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
