are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
