And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
