Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
