yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Let's get the cat blown out
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
