I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
