Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
