my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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